Dublin Gone Haywire
Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire sees Mallory Kane (Gina Carano), a deadly young female operative, taking a weekend break in Dublin. Presumably she’s packed a handy travel guide.
For regular commuters, the grand Victorian edifice of Heuston Station represents the beginning or end of a journey to the south or the west of Ireland, but, for the globetrotting freelance covert operative, it’s simply the ideal meeting point for her rendezvous with top MI6 “asset” who looks very much like Michael Fassbender.
Traveller’s tip: As you await your contact, indulge yourself in one of the many convenient outlets, maybe even sampling some traditional Irish fare, such as Supermacs. Mmmm.
Russborough House in Wicklow might be one of the finest examples of Palladian architecture in Ireland, as well as an exquisite showcase for some beautiful and priceless paintings, but, for lethal secret agents posing as a married couple, it is simply a picturesque setting for a meeting with another mysterious contact who looks rather like actor/director Mathieu Kassowitz.
Traveller’s tip: Be sure to take time off from admiring the sumptuous interiors to uncover a dead body in the stables and drink in the dawning realisation that you are to be the victim of an elaborate set-up at the hands of your sham boyfriend and your treacherous employer.
The Shelbourne Hotel
Located conveniently on St. Stephen’s Green at the heart of the city, the Shelbourne Hotel is the epitome of five-star grandeur catering to every need of the discerning traveller. If you happen to be a female former Marine now plying your trade as a freelance operative, you might think to ask the maid to supply an extra pillow as you’re sure to ruin one by using it as an improvised silencer to muffle the gunshot that will kill a top MI6 asset, who will probably be semi-conscious following an epic ass kicking that will playfully rearrange the opulently appointed suite you’ll be sharing.
Traveller’s tip: If you’re the kind of traveller who doesn’t like lugging a big case around, the tub in the divine marble bathroom doubles as excellent temporary storage for dead bodies.
Having trouble finding an enlightened hotelier who won’t quibble with a few bloodstains on the carpet or the odd dead body stashed in the bathtub? Well, take things “North Side” to Wynn’s Hotel on Lower Abbey St, where people know the true meaning of “Céad Míle Fáilte.” Long beloved by travellers from the country seeking a familiar refuge in the forbidding big city, Wynn’s lays out the welcome mat for all, including ice-cold female assassins trying to shake off the unwanted attentions of the Garda Síochána’s Emergency Response Unit. Regular patrons will happily point the way up the stairs, where some conveniently placed stacks of chairs and a small dry-cleaning establishment will offer wonderful cover to help you escape the consequences of your deadly actions.
Traveller’s tip: The rooftop affords fabulous views and the fastest way to evade the rozzers.
Many’s the wild weekend in Dublin that comes to an end at the Port, so don’t be surprised to hear your two days of seeming mayhem pale into nothing when laid next to the blood-curdling anecdotes of a U.K. hen-party heading home.
Traveller’s tip: Don’t make the novice’s mistake of paying for your ticket—Dock security is helpfully lax and a good covert operative can usually just walk straight onto the ferry without encountering a security check.